Stahlke Adoption

Birthdays

We belong to a support organization called FRUA--Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption. In the Fall 2010 issue of their publication _The Family Focus_ is an excellent article by Patty Cogen titled "Whe Adopted Teens 'Fall Apart' and How to Help Them." The bulk of the piece describes brain development in teenagers, especially how the frontal lobes in charge of executive functioning are the last part of the brain to mature.

The most interesting portion of the article for us discussed the significance of major birthdays. Before we read this article, we had already celebrated Paul, Adam, and Rachel's 16th birthdays with larger gifts than usual. And next week we are hosting a birthday party with friends (the first such event for any of our children) to mark Paul's 18th. It helps to emphasize the positive at these times.

I quote from Cogen's article:

A teen's separating from parents and becoming an individual is a developmental task that takes on special meaning for adopted teens. We all need to remember that every internationally adopted child was once required to become overly mature at an extremely young age. Three celebrations evoke powerful reactions in adoptees. The first is coming of age at 16, when a young person is old enough to drive. The second is turning 18, which marks the end of required education, the start of the right to sign medical papers, and attainment of the rights of citizenship, including voting and military service. The final celebration is the 21st birthday, when a person becomes a full adult and can legally drink and buy tobacco in every state of the U.S.A.

Rx for parents:
1) Respect your teen's fears as an indication of your success in building attachment.
2) Don't push your youngster to learn to drive or to visit the doctor alone.
3) Reassure your child that he is still and always will be a person you help and protect.
4) Reassure your child she can live at home beyond age 18 or 21.

posted by Stahlkes @ 9:25 PM