The Real Mom
I continue to get irritated when people refer to the children's birth mother as their "real mom." What does that make me? Their "fake mom"? The question is usually phrased in a whisper, "So, what happened to their real mom?" At least most people have the courtesy to ask quietly, for this question really bothers the children. It is, however, never asked out of hostility, but curiosity.(Another question is "How much did the adoption cost?" At least that's better than one I've seen in the adoption literature: "How much did the children cost?" The best response I've heard, if it's not a close friend, is to ask the amount of the hospital bill when their biological child was born.)
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Yesterday, I arrived on the school playground a few minutes late. David's class was already at the door, and his teacher was waiting for me before releasing him. He told me later that he kept telling her that I had arrived, and she would tease him that he was seeing his imaginary mom. When I actually appeared, he told her with a grin that his "real mom" was ready to pick him up! That made me smile, too!
posted by Stahlkes @ 11:53 AM
2 Comments:
My reply about the mother questions is simply, I AM her real mom!
The money questions never cease to surprise me. The most disarming response, in my experience, is simply to reply, "Why do you ask?" Most people don't realize how inappropriate their questions are... Curiosity gets the better of them :) And when they are gently challenged, they'll usually back off.
Occasionally, someone will tell me they are interested in adoption. That gives me the opportunity to steer them toward helpful websites, books, etc. to do their own research.
KTB
After over 15 years, I have grown to love those questions as I have become so used to having adopted children and always enjoy the opportunity to make sport of silly comments and silly people.
Q: Do you have any real children?
A: I thought these were real. You see them too, don't you?
Q: Do you have any children of your own?
A: But the Judge said these were mine! Do you know something I don't know?
Q: How much did the adoption cost?
A: Sadly only a fraction of what they have cost since!
Q: Do you have any children of your own?
A: Well, none that I know of yet.
In retrospect, my children have many parents. Biological parents played the smaller role in their lives and various types of adopted (some adopted them and they adopted others) parents have seen them this far and more will see them into adulthood.
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