Stahlke Adoption

Awaiting the court appointment

Greetings!

Once again you're stuck with Jonathan writing. Mary is again doing family business, school registration, doctor appointments, downloading some photos off of the digital camera we brought with, and other unknowables.

This evening, almost as a sideline, we asked Masha by phone (she's taking the 11 p.m. train from Kiev tonight and arriving at 3 a.m.), when we could make reservations to return to the U.S. This way, we (and everyone else) could know when we resume life in Chicago. She said, if everything goes well, there's a slight chance we'll fly out on Saturday, August 20! Never mind that we have reservations for next Friday, August 26. This makes me crazy! It's almost impossible to know anything from one minute to the next. But, it IS true that earlier is better for us. Cheaper to not pay for an extra week of apartment rent in Kiev; easier to be adjusting to family life in our own home; and maybe just a little bit more on our own schedule, for the first time in ages.

So, the return trip (leave here and arrive there on the same day) is most certainly to be between Saturday, August 20, and Friday, August 26. That at least narrows it down for the better. With Concordia starting up soon, and the kids' Forest Park school starting on August 31, we are anxious to establish what "they" call "the routine."

We haven't given many vital statistics about the children, nor about how they came to be eligilble for adoption. Out of respect for their privacy and to somewhat contain the sadness of their recent background, we will limit our comments. Nevertheless, some form of story has to be told, and it's all information they will eventually learn to live with.

You will remember that there are six children in the family, and that only the oldest five are currently available for adoption. They all have the same biological parents, who were in a common-law marriage for a long time. So, according to Ukrainian law, the father has no claim on the first five. The parents were officially married before the birth of the sixth child, so he is covered by a different set of laws, which include additional time for their father to prove himself (or claim the youngest child) before losing his rights. Their mother lost her rights to the children through a sad set of circumstances that left them alone for an extended period of time. Several attempts were evidently made to rescue the family structure, but they failed fairly quickly and very conclusively.

According to Ukrainian law, the children had to be "available" for adoption to Ukrainians for one year, and just now came available for international adoption. We did not see their pictures or vital statistics at our first appointment with the NAC, so the experience with the first group bought us the necessary time (and additional skills) for finding and succeeding with this group.

Upon reading the last two paragraphs, I know that it sounds like very little information. The truth is, that while we know a little more of the story, we don't know much. I think it might be better that way. Details will come out in bits and pieces as the children's English improves (almost no English, at the moment), but we will just learn to make our way from day to day. We have every intention of retrieving the sixth child, if the father does not claim him in the next year and a half, but there are a huge number of obstacles ahead of us on this count, not the least of which are the significant costs and the web of Ukrainian law and all of its loopholes.

I should say that we are so enamored with the kids, laying awake at night with our heads spinning, planning some event or other for the next day, and trying to figure out what they meant by "sdofiuroie," which isn't even anything they probably said. My little Ukrainian phrasebook has been in constant use over the last five weeks, and it looks like that will continue for at least the next one or two months. By then, their English skills will have outstripped my Ukrainian, I'm sure, and we'll be in a new stage of our relationship. I do have to say that Andrei complemented my ability to say what was necessary in Ukrainian, but it sure helps to have a willing listener.

When the kids aren't obeying, I have to take them in my lap, pull out my phrase book, and say (after several seconds of squirming and complaining), "Po-SLU-khay-te me-NE," which means, "Listen to me!" Having accomplished that, I proceed to look up the word of what I don't want them to do, and say, "ne ___!" Most problems are repeated multiple times, so I have a ready vocabulary of about twelve imperatives. Luckily, we have had very few "incidents," partly because things are going well, partly because we are still in a honeymoon period, and partly because most of our time is on the orphanage grounds, and there is some sense of structure, certainly more than we had at the camps with the first group several weeks ago.

Today, we also gave the children their additional American names. We have wrestled with this a great deal over the last three months, and have decided to keep their Ukrainian names (transliterated, of course) as their middle names, and give them new first names. Since Ukraine uses a version of the father's name as a middle name (patronimic), they don't really have middle names, per se. They will be free to use their Ukrainian names in school, or wherever, and we will probably use them at home. But if they ever want to blend into the crowd more, either in school or once they grow up, they will have the option of doing so.

Already today, after my explanation to them (in present tense Ukrainian with the wrong prepositions) about the whole "new name thing," some announced that they would be using their American names in the U.S., and others said, "over my dead body," or some such equivalent. Immediately, the three boys went off to consult with each other about the whole topic. The two older ones had disagreed about how to handle their new names, and the little one tagged along, as he often does. This whole discussion was followed by a group phone call to Masha (on the cell phone she has lent us while we're here), where she could explain to them what our intentions were, that each child could choose which name they wanted to use, and generally for the kids to have a great time talking on a cell phone to someone who is miles away. It's likely that they've never spoken on a "mobile" phone before, and it's very exciting for them.

We're still not sure what all transpired, but Masha assured me that they had understood me correctly, and that "there was no problem," which is the main thing she was interested in conveying to us. Their names are as follows:

Paul Ruslan (rus-LAN) is 11,

Adam Bogdan (bog-DAN or boh-DAN, still up in the air) is 10,
[His name has different pronunciations in Russian and Ukrainian, respectively.]

Rachel Ludmila (lud-MI-la, with a short I) is 9,

Sarah Olena (o-LE-na, with a Latin E) is 7, and

David Mihailo (mi-HAI-lo) is 6.

We had decided not to use names of our siblings for any of the kids, but Misha is such a David, we couldn't think of any other name that fit him as well. I'll let you all decide what I mean by that statement. You Davids out there I'm sure will understand.

So, we are currently calling them Ruslan, Bogdan, Luda, Lena, and Misha, until they request a change, if that ever happens. For those of you who know how much I struggled with the whole naming issue, you will know how far I've come. We are both very content with the whole shebang.

It's about time to wrap up. Tomorrow, our court appointment is "at 8:30 or 9:00 a.m." We will go to pick up the oldest three, who are to appear in court, as well. They are well prepared, since a week ago they each had to write on a clean piece of paper, "I, ___, born on ___, want to be adopted by Stahlke, Jonathan Ernest, and Stahlke, Mary Benson. I write this on ____ date, as witnessed by ___, ___, and ___." You can all appreciate how difficult this must have been for Ruslan, who was at the Black Sea, and had no opportunity to get to know us (except for two hours, which included soccer in sandals and swimming in my undies among the jellyfish in the briny tide). My hat goes off to him. In fact, my heart goes out to him, trying to find his way through a very confusing set of circumstances. He had good advisors, and everyone encouraging him to do it, so he did.

We take some of the new clothes we have bought over the last week to the orphanage in the morning, for the kids to wear to court, and play it by ear for the rest of the day, which will be completely full with MULTIPLE activities. We shall see. Pray for us, as we know you do. These are truly amazing times.

(Even if we leave Saturday, we hope to send another message before boarding the plane.)

posted by Stahlkes @ 10:55 AM