Stahlke Adoption

Another Perspective

Last night I was reading a book titled A Primal Wound, written by Nancy Verrier. It's a controversial book, with the main premise that newborns experience severe emotional trauma when they are removed from their birth mothers.

I wrote yesterday that Lena was comforted when I told her we had chosen her, and that she was special. Well, hear what Verrier says (p. 57f) about those very phrases:

"Some say that being chosen means being special; but what does 'special ' mean? Among those [adoptees] I interviewed, only one interpreted this as meaning that her parents chose her and everyone else had to take what they got, which is how many parents believe all adoptees interpret it. This is not the popular interpretation, however. In answering the question Irene said, "Not a . . . thing, because I had no choice! Betty said that 'chosen' to her meant that her parents had chosen to have a child, but not necessarily her . . . .

"Being told that they are chosen or special seems to be confusing and to put a great deal of pressure on many adoptees to live up to a variety of perceived expectations on the part of their parents . . . . Janice told me that she felt that she had to be the perfect child, so that her parents could be the perfect parents . . . .

"Denise voiced what many feel: 'Being chosen by your adoptive parents doesn't mean anything compared to being unchosen by your birthmother."
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My children are adopted, and I was not. That means that I can never truly understand what they've been through. My responses to Lena, which I wrote about yesterday, seemed to be a comfort to her. But this book has given me some food for thought that she may hear my words in a completely different way than I intended.

I have a lot of thinking to do about this one.

posted by Stahlkes @ 12:45 PM