Peeling an Onion, Part II
Once we halted our attempts at a pregnancy, it was time for decision #2--whether or not to adopt. Many people think mistakenly that stopping infertility treatments and deciding to adopt are always linked. But forming one's family through biology and adoption are very different, and some couples choose the third option of being childfree. (On the web, "childfree" is the new term being used instead of "childless." But I don't like the term childfree, either, to describe adults who choose not to parent. Our children know many adults who are not parents but find wonderful ways to be part of their lives. These adults are very involved with children, just not as parents.)From early on in our marriage, Jonathan and I had always talked about the possibility of adopting a sibling group. For us, that's the kind of adoption we wanted from the very beginning. So while the adoption of a single child or a group is a separate decision for most adoptive parents, we intuitively agreed on this issue. It's probably the only part of our decision process that didn't require a ton of discussion!
Among our friends and relatives who had adopted biological siblings, we had seen the very close bonds of the children to each other. That appealed to us, especially since Jonathan and I place a high value on the relationships we have with our own siblings. We wanted our adoptive children to continue living with their siblings instead of being split between different families. That way, even if most of their life was changing in unimaginable ways, they could continue living with the siblings they already knew. I've often read that sibling relationships are among the longest-lasting ones in a person's life, and it's important to preserve them as much as possible.
posted by Stahlkes @ 10:12 AM
2 Comments:
I have never left a comment before, but today I cannot be silent. As both a biological and an adoptive mother, I was so glad to read that you wrote that forming a family through biology and adoption are two very different things. I do not love my adopted children any less or differently, but it is a completely different experience for me and for them. I never imagined how much I would think of their birth parents. Gazing into my daughter's beautiful face, I wonder if she looks like her birth mother or gets her feisty spirit from her. If biological parents sit back and think about how much they say things like, "Oh, she does that just like I do" or "He looks just like his father," they will be astounded. I have also found my adopted children's birthdays to be very difficult. There is, of course, the joy of the celebration of growing and passing another milestone - and yet, I was not prepared for the profound sense of sadness I would feel on these days. For my adopted daughter, her birth mother does not even know if she is alive or where she is. I pray that somehow in her heart she knows a sense of peace that she is ok. For our son, his birth mother does know he has been adopted and can choose to go to the orphanage and see updated pictures of him that we send, yet she is still not with him. My family has the additional layer of being a bi-racial family. I was shocked when my daughter would point to an Asian person and say "She looks like me!" at the young age of two. I will not even get into the comments I get when I am out with them. People are well meaning - but we just want to be a family like everyone else. Our children are young, but I know that will have additional layers of 'stuff' do deal with during adolescence. I could go on much longer, but have already gone on for far too long. I feel incredibly blessed to be both a biological and an adoptive parent. I would have never guessed that God would lead me halfway around the world to find some of my children and bring them home. That is the beauty of the journey. I just hope that more people will learn about and celebrate adoptive families -- who face many of the same challenges and many additional ones - than those formed by biology alone. Thanks for all your writing, Mary.
-Jean Milew
Jean,
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. Every adoptive family is unique, and we can all learn a great deal from each other.
Mary Stahlke
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