Stahlke Adoption

The Game

There are distinct challenges for older boys who are adopted. Just at the age when they naturally seek more independence from their parents, they are also recently adopted and must learn to bond with a new family. They also had adults in their past that disappointed them, which inhibits their ability to trust again.

There is a real give and take with my older boys between bonding and independence. This is most evident when they first wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night. For the younger three children, my routine for these occasions is a hug and kiss on the top of the head. Bogdan avoids this about 75% of the time, while Ruslan almost always resists. In the evening, I don't try very hard, since I want them to relax and go to sleep. If they resist, I kiss my hand and touch their head. Or if that doesn't work, I'll blow a kiss in the air and say goodnight.

In the morning, however, I try a little harder. Ruslan and I play a game almost every day. I let him alone the first time I see him, since he's sleepy, but I do say good morning to acknowledge that I've seen him. After that, however, we keep a careful eye on each other, because if I catch him unaware, I'll sneak up on him and kiss the back of his head. He usually sees me coming, however, and if I'm up to it, I'll chase him around and tackle him. That's hard, though, because he's pretty strong. The other kids love to watch this game. "Did you get him?"

If I forget to play the game, he'll leave for school and yell from the door "You didn't get me!" He also reminds me of the exact number of days in the past month that I "didn't get him." That tells me that our game is very important. On rare occasions, at night, he'll also pretend to be asleep and then I can kiss his head.

The boys had experiences more than many adults in the years before they came to us. It is rewarding to see them learning to trust again.

posted by Stahlkes @ 11:43 AM