Ukrainian Passports
When we were in Ukraine during the summer of 2005, the children were issued Ukrainian passports before we applied at the US embassy for their visas. The process to obtain a Ukrainian passport was done at the state level and was very fast.
Last Wednesday, the US embassy in Kyiv published a notice, which you can read at
kiev.usembassy.gov/amcit_adoptions_notice_0725_eng.html
The Ukrainian government has recently decided to issue a new type of passport. Some of the offices at the state level have not yet received their blank passport forms, so applications at this time are often sent to Kyiv for processing. Because many states are sending them to Kyiv, there's been a backlog. The Ukrainian government estimates the delay at 10 days, but some adoptive parents from the US have reported waits exceeding one month.
To help with this problem, the US embassy is still accepting the old-style passports, and the Ukrainian government is allowing the states to issue the old-style ones for adopted children. This is possible, of course, only if they haven't run out of old-style blanks, which are no longer being printed.
This issue may not affect us at all if it is resolved before we travel. But we're keeping it in mind as a possibility as we plan how to cover everything while we're gone.
Adoption History in the U.S.
All of our children attended summer school this year. As I sorted their papers, I came across a history worksheet titled "The Orphan Trains." It made me aware of how much better adoption is handled today.
The worksheet described the history of destitute children in 19th-century New York City who were cared for in orphanages there. But there were more children needing places than could be housed. In 1854, a man named Charles Loring Brace thought that children needed homes and families, not just food and a place to sleep. He started the practice of sending children out west on trains to be adopted by farm families, who were able to feed more people and could use help with chores on the farm.
The first group of children were told what was happening. They were frightened, and some tried to jump off the train. After that, the children were told only that they were going on a train ride. They were given new clothes for the trip.
As they traveled, posters would be placed in each train station announcing their date of arrival. When the train came to the station, the children lined up on the platform, and people who wanted a child would choose one. The children who were not chosen returned to the train and rode to the next town. Brothers and sisters were sometimes separated. But despite the problems with this system, many children found a better life than they had had in New York City.
_____________________________
On the worksheet, the first page gave the history listed above, while the second page listed some comprehension questions. The last question was "If you had been one of the orphans, would you have wanted to go on the orphan train?" One of our children answered:
"no, I would not like to go an the train becuse thay migt seperat my family."
The Exercise
When the kids first arrived, the amount of clutter in our house predictably just exploded. Our house is small, the kids weren't used to putting things away, and they were suddenly given lots of possessions, which they had never before experienced. And we had gone from two people in the house to seven.
Over the last two years, I've reclaimed most of the rooms one by one. By reclaiming, I mean having items in that area that belong there, not miscellaneous other things from the rest of the house. The kitchen happened early on, of necessity. Next came the laundry in the basement, which was aided by locking the basement for six months. It was such a relief to have a place to dump things quickly if I didn't have time to sort them. Anything in the rest of the house wouldn't stay put if the kids could get into it.
After many months, the dining room took shape. The piano sports family mementos and recent greeting cards and children's art, while the hutch surface holds library books and DVDs that have been borrowed. These can't be with our personal books and DVDs or they'll disappear for months! The kids' backpacks for school are tucked into a corner, accessible to us but out of the way when they don't just toss them.
Next came the living room, which took almost a year. Over time, we acquired a toybox, some coat racks, and several bookcases for shoes, winter gear, and DVD/videos. But the constant stream of toys never seemed to end. Because the children's rooms are so filled with beds, they do most of their playing downstairs in the living room, and it always had their stuff everywhere. We tried cleaning up by having everyone put things away after supper, but by bedtime the room would be strewn again.
Finally, I found a solution, which feels draconian, but it works. If a child leaves toys downstairs, I collect them in a bag for Goodwill. About once a month, I spread all the collected toys on the table for them to examine. Each child gets to take back three items, and the rest is given away.
The first time I tried this exercise, I braced myself for conflict over the loss of their toys. But to my pleasant surprise, they were very curious about which toys were reappearing. And the ones they couldn't keep tended to be things they didn't care about (which is probably why those toys had been left out for me to collect). And best of all, since I started this exercise, the amount of clutter in the living room has been reduced to a minimum. The room is starting to look like normal again! I'm debating moving the exercise to the yard and up the stairs to the second floor.
Masha traveling to Kyiv
When Jonathan made his weekly telephone call to Darlene, she told him about a phone call she had received from Masha. The fact that Masha telephoned is unusual, since her primary mode of communication is Email.
Masha will be traveling to Kyiv to find out more about when Kola will be or was available for international adoption. The journey from her home (on Ukraine's eastern border) to Kyiv takes many hours by train, so it's not a quick trip. Masha maintains an apartment in Kyiv, since at times she has to spend time in the capitol for her job.
We don't know when Masha will be making the trip, but maybe it's soon since she telephoned Darlene rather than sending an Email.
Prayer
Sometime last fall, we began doing devotions following the main meal of the day. After reading a Scripture passage and singing a hymn verse, Jonathan offers a short prayer. He always concludes with a one-sentence petition for Kola, that he may be safe and well-cared-for until we can come get him.
Besides this family devotion time, Jonathan also uses prayer for his "alone" time and to think. Between the two of us, he is the long-term, philosophical planner, while I'm the more practical, short-term, and implementation-minded one. He hasn't had much chance to do his "alone-time" praying in the last two years, however, since his ideal is to walk for a couple hours, praying as he goes. It's hard to find slots of two or three hours in our new life with kids.
Jonathan just completed a full school year of teaching, followed by an intensive summer session for music students in the master's degree program. Last Monday was the first day of his summer, with last school year's teaching finally completed. At moments like this, he likes to do something really different to mark the occasion. For a long time, he's been wanting to have a prayer session about Kola, especially in light of the many delays in the adoption and what we can do about it. He planned his prayer time for Tuesday morning, when all the kids were in summer school, and I was across town at a medical appointment.
To enhance his praying, he decided to fast on Monday and Tuesday, since not eating heightens one's mental abilities. The children really took notice when his place setting at Monday's breakfast contained only a glass of water. He explained that he wanted to pray about Kola for several hours, and that not eating would help him do this. His fasting continued all day Monday and into Tuesday's breakfast. He finally got his prayer and thinking time in on Tuesday morning, and began eating again that day at lunch.
After supper on Monday night, he pulled out the Bible for our regular devotions. We then sang our hymn verse, and he did the prayer just like always. After we finished, seven-year-old Misha looked confused. He asked his dad why the prayer about Kola had been so short. He had braced himself for sitting several hours while Papa prayed. I guess we forgot to explain that there's more than one way to pray!
No News
Waiting is hard.
I remind myself that the timing is in God's hands.
The Game
There are distinct challenges for older boys who are adopted. Just at the age when they naturally seek more independence from their parents, they are also recently adopted and must learn to bond with a new family. They also had adults in their past that disappointed them, which inhibits their ability to trust again.
There is a real give and take with my older boys between bonding and independence. This is most evident when they first wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night. For the younger three children, my routine for these occasions is a hug and kiss on the top of the head. Bogdan avoids this about 75% of the time, while Ruslan almost always resists. In the evening, I don't try very hard, since I want them to relax and go to sleep. If they resist, I kiss my hand and touch their head. Or if that doesn't work, I'll blow a kiss in the air and say goodnight.
In the morning, however, I try a little harder. Ruslan and I play a game almost every day. I let him alone the first time I see him, since he's sleepy, but I do say good morning to acknowledge that I've seen him. After that, however, we keep a careful eye on each other, because if I catch him unaware, I'll sneak up on him and kiss the back of his head. He usually sees me coming, however, and if I'm up to it, I'll chase him around and tackle him. That's hard, though, because he's pretty strong. The other kids love to watch this game. "Did you get him?"
If I forget to play the game, he'll leave for school and yell from the door "You didn't get me!" He also reminds me of the exact number of days in the past month that I "didn't get him." That tells me that our game is very important. On rare occasions, at night, he'll also pretend to be asleep and then I can kiss his head.
The boys had experiences more than many adults in the years before they came to us. It is rewarding to see them learning to trust again.
Be Careful What You Ask For
When the children first came, we had plenty of donated clothing for them, but getting it organized in dressers was a long way down the list of priorities. We had more pressing matters to manage, like getting them baptized, helping them start school, obtaining medical and dental care, etc., etc.
So for a long time, I kept piles of clothing on the basement laundry table. Each child had two stacks of clothing--shirts/pants, and underwear/pajamas/socks. Every larger item was marked with their initial on the tag--R, B, L, O, M, and eventually K. At first, the initials were for me, to keep track of whose clothing was whose. I learned quickly, however, that the initials also stop arguments between the children.
For a long time, the children's rooms were black holes, swallowing every item of clothing that entered them. Therefore, having all the clothes in the basement meant that in the rush of a school morning, as we were learning how to manage as new parents, I wouldn't be scrambling for socks.
But the piles and piles of clothes in the basement were not a permanent solution, so as the initial emergencies of child-rearing receded, we've gradually worked into buying a dresser for each child and teaching them to carry their clothes from the basement to their rooms. A couple of kids really fought me on that one, because the basement was more convenient to the bathroom. I remember one day in the basement when a child refused to carry their clothes upstairs. I threw their pile of shirts and pants at them, and they refused to catch it. We stood there in silence, with the clothes strewn all over the floor. I blocked the only exit until all the clothes were picked up and carried upstairs. It was an intense but quiet standoff, but I'm a patient person and knew I could outwait any of them. After ten or fifteen long minutes of silence, suddenly I heard "OK, I'll do it this time, but not again!"
Getting the clothes into the dresser drawers in a folded state took a lot longer, especially since it had been such a challenge to get the basement folding table clear. But now part of their "clothes" chore includes me checking the drawers to be sure everything is folded and that the drawers close easily. Numerous people have been generous to give us clothing, and we have far more of many items than we can use. So when a child's drawer doesn't open and close properly, I require them to pick out clothing for "the church store," which is usually Goodwill or a thrift store for the local Lutheran high school. (In the early months, the term "church store" was possible with my limited Ukrainian vocabulary, while "thrift store" and "second-hand shop" were way out of reach.)
Choosing clothes to give away is very hard for children whose past includes living without sufficient clothing. And then when they got to the orphanage, they had communal clothing. Once a week, the clothes were washed and then placed in a bin. Whoever chose their outfit first got to wear those clothing all week. Shortly after we met the children, Olena was wearing a cute matching set with a purple T-shirt and shorts. The next week, Misha was wearing the same outfit, since he had beat her to the bin. Check out the photo in the _Lutheran Witness_ article, and you'll see him wearing the purple outfit that was so popular.
The day we all left the orphanage, the children changed into the clothes we had bought them. From their orphanage clothes, they kept only their underwear. I initially thought it was sad that they couldn't keep their clothes when they left the orphanage. But it became very clear that they didn't feel ownership of the orphanage clothes, and instead were very, very proud of the new clothing that was their very own. Even at that early stage, I had already marked R, B, L, O, or M on the labels.
So . . . clothing has been a big issue, and they are now pretty happy to have full dresser drawers of stuff to wear. And over time they've even folded the clothing most of the time. Imagine, however, my shock to find one overzealous child who put all of his clothing in the dresser--
including a wet bathing suit!!
Another Delay
Jonathan telephoned Darlene yesterday, who told him that Masha had Emailed her a short message last Saturday. The latest news is of another delay.
One construction we can put on this news is that when Kola was "available for adoption" in August 2006, we mistakenly thought that meant international adoption. But the Ukrainian Parliament has made it very clear that all children must first be available for adoption by Ukrainian citizens (in actuality, usually extended family) for one year before they can be adopted by foreigners. In this scenario, Kola wouldn't be available for us to adopt until August 2007.
A lot of this is my personal conjecture about what's going on. As we hear more, I'll keep you posted.
Another Article
On June 27, the local paper for Oak Park republished the Forest Park article with some additions.
wednesdayjournalonline.com
Click on the "Lifelines" section and we're about four articles down on the screen.
