Snafus
1. The first year A.K. (after kids), Jonathan and I often showed the wear and tear of parenthood in the morning, especially during preparation time for breakfast. One morning, he almost tossed the eggshells in the clothes bin, and I came close to throwing dirty socks in the trashcan.
2. Years later, I'm known at church as the person who loses keys. Our youth director has assured me that the problem is not memory loss, but rather the overwhelming stimuli of motherhood. That was the issue about a year ago, when I was helping cook a meal for the youth at our church. I threw my purse on the table, and in the rush to cook tossed my keys into the purse's side pocket. Later, I couldn't find my keys and didn't remember where I had left them. After looking for the better part of an hour, I gave up for the night. The next morning, there was a message on my phone. The other woman who had cooked for the youth also had a black purse, and it had been sitting next to mine. She found my keys in the side pocket of her purse!
3. On Monday three weeks ago, Kola finished his day of summer school, and I picked him up in our van. Standing at the side door, I put my right hand on the top of the vehicle, reached for the sliding door, and pulled it hard. Unfortunately, my hand was not actually on top of the van, but rather resting on the headrest of the interior passenger seat. The door hit my forearm very hard, leaving a nasty bruise within the hour. The arm healed within a few days, however, and I didn't think twice about it.
Over the next few days, I did a lot of weeding in the yard, using my right arm to pry out the weeds with a dandelion puller. I must have overdone the weeding, for my shoulder ached every evening. By the following Sunday, I had to take a double dose of Aleve to get through my piano-playing for church. Jonathan was the first to realize that my injury came from the van door, not the weeds.
Well, it's been three weeks now, and my shoulder still aches, sometimes pretty badly. I finally saw a doctor last Thursday, who diagnosed a partial dislocation (subluxation) of my shoulder. It won't improve until the arm is reset (closed reduction), which will happen tomorrow. I'm ready to feel better, but I did become concerned when the doctor said the procedure would make me "call out for my ancestors"!
Harry Potter
We still laugh that Kola won tickets to a Harry Potter movie without knowing who Harry Potter is! From my blog on 7/15/99:"Mom, what is 'heh-ree pah-tuh'?"
"Kola, he's a boy, and that's his name."
"What is 'pah-tuh'?"
"That's his last name. You are Peter Stahlke, and he is Harry Potter."
Kola had picked up these two words from a lively discussion at the supper table last night. He's a rare child not to know about today's premiere of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. So when our library sponsored a "theater evening" last night to celebrate the premiere, we allowed Kola to attend even though the event started at his bedtime.
As I waited in the library near the party room, one of the librarians rushed out excitedly to tell me that Kola had won the drawing for tickets to the movie! He received four tickets, and Jonathan bought four more within the hour. Kola is going to his first Harry Potter movie, and the whole family is attending our first opening-night movie!
Today we saw the last of the Harry Potter films. Kola sat on my lap the entire time, which I understand. It was pretty intense, and very, very good. But after two hours of holding him, my arms were getting numb and I let them drop to my side. He reached down and folded them around himself again.
Lyrics
I hear a lot of rap in the car with the kids, but one particular line really caught my attention today:
"My heart is beating like mace."
My Dear One
I lost my Dakota two months ago today.
For many years, God blessed me with a wonderful friend.
Improvisation
Uncle Tim came to the rescue. We had bought ingredients for s'mores but didn't use them while camping. When it came time yesterday for afternoon snack, the only things in the house were marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers. We were preparing to eat the s'mores with cold, hard marshmallows when Tim pulled out his culinary blowtorch. Worked like a charm, and the kids loved both the food and the show!
Today is Kentucky's 2nd Birthday
Regression
Peter had a tantrum last night. It was not as bad as those last autumn, but I don't like to see him backslide. He did verbalize what was bothering him, which was good. Time to double up on those point sheets for positive behavior!
Temptation
I mentioned yesterday that we had lost two trees. Our 200-year-old oak was the subject of much blogging, but the story of our pine tree is also interesting. This tree was small and misshapen, due to a lighting strike in the distant past. Its destruction was in the discussion stages in 2008 when Jonathan and I traveled to Ukraine to adopt Kola. We had not finalized the decision, but life was such a swirl that fall that I thought we had.
When I returned from Ukraine to care for the children, Jonathan remained there for several more weeks to finalize the adoption. Paul wanted to build a tree house, and the pine tree was the obvious choice due to its imminent removal. He asked me if he could top it, so that the platform of his house could be mounted more easily. I gave permission without consulting Jonathan. Mistake.
Paul built the sturdiest tree house ever imagined. He told me he used literally hundreds of nails. It was not beautiful, and it leaned a bit, but for a 14-year-old it was pretty good. Problems started, however, when a neighbor told him that his tree house was an eyesore and should come down. We have always instructed the kids to refer any neighborly complaints to us, so Paul informed me, and I talked to the neighbor myself. I was as polite as I could muster, despite the man criticizing not only the tree house but also our yard. Our lives don't leave much time for making our grass and beds pretty, and we also value freedom for the kids to play and experiment.
The next day, we received a phone call from the village that the tree house would have to come down, due to its danger to children. The inspector also specified that no child, including Paul, was allowed in the tree house. That meant that yours truly had to climb up there, which was not easy, and try to dismantle it. I quickly discovered that it was so well built that the only way to remove it was to cut down the tree.
Several men from our church volunteered to bring their chainsaws and take it all down for me. After sawing through the tree house, they removed the tree limbs one by one. Finally, only the tall trunk of the tree remained. One of the volunteers commented, "You should leave it just like that!" We didn't, of course.
All of this was way more than I bargained for when I came home to care for the kids. But I managed the process, fielding comments, making decisions, and hosting the "party" to bring down the tree. That night I telephoned Jonathan, and he blew a gasket that we had cut down the tree without his approval. That one took a lot of talking to sort out. The whole tree episode was way too much.
Agriculture
Ukraine is one of the best agricultural regions in the world. When Jonathan and I traveled there, we marveled at the rich darkness of the soil. Our children, especially the older ones, possess a detailed knowledge of plants and trees. Within a week of arriving, they had spotted dozens of fruit trees in the surrounding neighborhoods. Jonathan and I, who had walked our dogs every evening for the previous nine years, knew of only three or four!
We've lost two trees in our back yard, so there's room now for a new one. The entire family agrees it should be a fruit tree, but the type has been a subject of much discussion. The consensus is a cherry tree, although we've debated about many others.
One of my parameters is the avoidance of pesticides. Worms in the fruit is equally undesirable to everyone. When I proposed an apple tree that wouldn't require bug spray, one of the older boys protested strongly. "Mom, if you want apples without worms, and no pesticide, the fruit would be so sour that no one would eat it!"
Great Title
My mother recently sent me a book review from the Washington Post. An author and journalist (Melissa Fay Greene) became the adoptive mom to five children, in addition to her four older biological kids. Some of her writing rang true for me:
"Sometimes, Greene admits, she found herself worn out by the 'hard psychological and family-reconstruction work . . . and wondering,
Am I still a mother, or have I become a social worker?"
Her writing sounds like my blog:
"Mostly, this book is a string of carefully crafted anecdotes, threaded with hard-won insights, though perhaps unintentional, for parents of all sorts and sizes of families. 'Everyone wants a happy family,' Greene muses, 'but some parents fear they don't have the knack for it. We tilt anxiously above our children, examining them from every angle, consulting experts and reading how-to books . . . . We're afraid to steer by the light of what makes us feel good."
Another insight:
"A steady stream of laughter cuts through [their life]. Humor is part of what makes this family--and this book--work. When the author was searching for titles, she was showered with suggestions from her children, including 'Why Our Babysitters are Entitled to Peace Corps Credit' and 'No, We're Not a Youth Group, Darn It."
The actual title of the book:
No Biking in the House Without a Helmet
Behavior Modification, Part III
March 1986The teacher observed the two exercises, the first using negative reinforcement and the second employing positive reinforcement. She was pleased that the results had been so clear--positive reinforcement gave an outcome in half the time! Her management class had just learned, hands-on, that praising good behavior works better than punishing bad behavior.
March 2011Experts gave the parents "point sheets" to record the child's good behavior throughout the day. He/she earned points toward a reward, which in this case was thirty minutes of TV. The mom remembered the class she had taught so many years ago.
The new system worked. After a few weeks, however, the child told his mom, "I'm tired of being good!" But he kept at it, and his parents saw definite improvement.
Behavior Modification, Part II
For Part I of this story, see May 23, 2011.The student entered the classroom, looking unsure of himself. As he moved forward, everyone in the class cheered. He looked puzzled, but pleased, but in the excitement of the moment stopped walking. The class went silent.
The student walked foward another few steps, and his classmates cheered again. He didn't have any idea what was happening, but he kept moving faster and faster toward the front of the classroom. At the blackboard, he took a step to the right, and the silence was deafening. "That must not be correct," he thought. He retraced his steps, with the hoopla beginning again. "This direction must be ok."
Eventually the cheering led him to a small indentation in the front wall of the classroom. The classroom erupted in applause even more than before. He had solved the game.
Time to solution: 2 minutes
Temporary Almost Empty Nest
This week, starting yesterday:
Paul--servant event in Iowa
Adam--ditto
Rachel--ditto
Sarah--church camp
David--scout camp
Peter continues summer school each morning 8 am -noon.
Mom and Dad--getting more time for work (and play)!
Definitions
One of our therapists described impulsive behavior as aggressive behavior. I had never thought of those concepts as similar. So here are two takes on the word "impulsive," with boldface for the aspects that ring true for our situation. In addition, the freedom of impulsivity can result in some delightful and interesting behavior. There's always a silver lining to every cloud.
from "thefreedictionary.com":
im·pul·sive (m-plsv)
adj.
1. Inclined to act on impulse rather than thought.
2. Motivated by or resulting from impulse: such impulsive acts as hugging strangers; impulsive generosity.
3.
Having force or power to impel or incite; forceful.4. Physics Acting within brief time intervals. Used especially of a force.
from
Wikipedia:
Some researchers have proposed a 3-factor model according to impulsivity; attentional ("getting easily bored"),
motor ("going into action") and
cognitive ("inability to plan") factors.
Recent theories have suggested five separate aspects of impulsivity:
Positive urgency; the tendency to act rashly while in a positive mood.
Negative urgency; the tendency to act rashly while in a negative mood.Lack of premeditation; the inability to anticipate the future consequences of actions.
Lack of perseverance; the inability to follow through on a task.Sensation-seeking; the experience of positive feelings towards risky actions.
Rocking
Peter continues to rock, both in bed and also when he is stressed. As I heard him kick the floor today, I realized that this rhythmic motion was at the rate of a heart beat. Then when I swing my foot unconsciously, my own "rocking" is also at the rate of a heart beat. The calming nature of rocking must be related to heartbeat, probably slowing it over time.
Metaphor
One of our children is very concerned about tornadoes. They've been highlighted in the news this month, and our children are giving donations for Joplin, Missouri. About a week ago, a tornado briefly touched down in Villa Park near our church, and lots of branches and a few entire trees fell.
The weather in the last few days has been stellar, however, which was great for the holiday weekend. Yet on Sunday, we received a picture drawn during the sermon that was telling. A tornado was bearing down on a farmhouse, with destruction imminent.
I've been analyzing this fear as a childhood phobia, but Jonathan thinks it symbolizes chaos in one's current (or past) life. Food for thought.
4th of July
Rachel, Sarah, and David on a float in a village parade.
Jonathan teaching Peter to ride a bike.
Paul and Adam with Mom Stahlke (in Texas) to celebrate her 80th birthday.
Reading the Declaration of Independence.
Fireworks big and small.
Happy Birthday, USA!
