Culture Clash
My father always took different routes to work, just to keep thirty years of driving interesting. I like to do this, too, and Chicago's grid of streets provides an endless variety of ways to get places.
Some of my children, on the other hand, are much more comfortable with the familiarity of taking the same streets EVERY time. I've been told two things--1) some kids are just born this way, and 2) adopted children crave consistency because of their past. For whatever reason, it has created some interesting situations.
About two years ago, I drove home from church with several kids in the car. We took a different route than usual in order to drop one kid off at an away baseball game. Our normal way home would have been very out of the way. One of the kids got very angry about the change and eventually refused to wear a seatbelt. I pulled the car over, since we don't drive without seatbelts, and in the ensuing discussion, the child got out of the car and wouldn't get back in. Taking a quick look around, I saw that we were near a sister Lutheran church that's in a very nice neighborhood.
"Are you sure you don't want to get into the car?" No response. "Ok, I'm going to make the drop-off at the game, and then come back for you." And off we went. It took a full thirty minutes before I could get back, but there was the child, still scowling but willing to get in the car and buckle the seatbelt. It was a mighty quiet ride home.
_________________
The familiarity issue creeps up in other ways, as well:
Just today, I prepared birthday treats for Kola, who turns six on Sunday. Having never celebrated a birthday of his own (the orphanage marked birthdays in groups at the end of the month), he didn't understand what was taking place. Taking a bag of new and unusual things to school was more than he could handle, and he quickly started to act out. I guess I'm a mean mom to send birthday treats to school with my child!
Lyrics
Pastor Rogers wrote a response to my post on 2/4/09 about hip-hop music. He said that the lyrics were the main point, rather than other aspects of the music. So I've been noting which songs Paul and Adam especially like. Here is the refrain of "Heartless" by Kanye West:
In the night, I hear 'em talk,
the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless?
Oh... How could you be so heartless?
Postscript: Exploring
More than once, I thanked God for the angels watching over our children, especially in their first few weeks with us.
Exploring
Monday morning is my off time, and I feel like writing . . .
When we adopted the older five children, we spent our first several nights together at a large apartment in Kyiv. We're pretty sure that the kids didn't sleep much, and they spent a great deal of time looking through every nook and cranny of the apartment. Jonathan and I did our best to watch them closely, but there were five of them and two of us. We were more concerned with safety, since our fifth-floor apartment had three balconies, so we locked, blocked, or watched the balcony doors. They still managed to throw paper airlanes and a few heavier items onto the street below. Other exploration included:
Entire boxes of soap disappeared (dishwashing liquid, laundry detergent, shampoo), since it's more fun to wash or bathe if you make tons of suds. The large bathtub became a swimming pool, complete with jumping from the edge into the water. One of the kids told me years later that only the wealthiest home owner in their village owned a bathtub, and our kids had never used one before.
Of all the cabinets they explored, the most interesting was the one with small appliances and hardware, which they conveniently "reorganized." On the public stairway, they found an old aquarium, and the gravel and rocks in it went into their luggage.
One of the older boys slipped out of the flat without our knowing and took a walk around the neighborhood; our landlady in a neighboring apartment gave him a lecture that he was in the city now, not the countryside. It was difficult to give up the freedom of walking whenever he wanted.
Upon arrival at our home in Chicago, another new world of "stuff" opened up. Within hours, anything not tied down had moved. Being inexperienced parents(and also short on time with ten days to prepare for our trip), Jonathan and I had not put everything away before leaving for Ukraine. Books, recordings, toys, soap products, fruit, etc., were objects of value. We locked the basement and put the medicines in a box on the top shelf of the pantry, so once again the most dangerous things were off limits. But we couldn't watch all five all the time. After the fact, neighbors told us they saw several children remove the screen from a second-story window, climb out onto the roof, traverse the length of the house, and reenter through another second-floor window. After that, I was thankful when they chose to climb trees!
The children were also amazed at the goods you can find in the alleys. Many people purposefully leave items there that are in good repair but no longer needed. If no one collects them for several days, they either bring them back in the house or let the trash collector take them. The older boys wanted a television in their room, and even though we said no, they kept bringing TVs off the alley just in case we'd change our mind. We eventually took about eight of them to Goodwill. The Lutheran Witness article described the seven tires we rolled down the streets to our mechanic for recycling. Costume jewelry, old china,
National Geographic magazines, building materials, a vacuum cleaner, and even a guitar have entered our home from the alleys. The guitar is an especially interesting case. It was broken, and the owner specifically told the boys that he didn't want to pay for the repair and that they could take it. We spent $200 and four weeks of waiting to obtain an acoustic guitar appraised at $900!
I make lots of trips to shops like Goodwill, since our house constantly gets stuffed with things. At first the children couldn't part with anything, but after a few years they're getting tired of the mess. I cringe, however, when they want to clean their rooms. Sacks of stuff emerge from their room, and I've learned that valuable things are always mixed in with the paper and broken toys: tools, journal entries, Christmas ornaments, writing utensils, and tons of recycling and Goodwill items.
I can only sort this stuff when my schedule is not too full, which is not too often. These bags pile up under the laundry table in the basement, and a few weeks ago several of them sat in water when our basement flooded. The paper bags and their contents soaked up water, and even the plastic bags got wet through the rips (those writing utensils!). Suddenly, my time frame for sorting moved up, since the mold would be setting in. I spent an entire morning while Kola was sick, going through wet stuff. But one of the great things I found: a cassette of Bach cantatas lost since the first week the kids arrived!
The Long Haul
The adoption literature often mentions that children will assume, from their past experiences, that their new parents will abandon them. To avoid a long period of emotional pain, the child will work hard to speed up this process, since to them it's inevitable. That means acting out--in a big way. It's the parents' job to hang on, provide consistent discipline, and assure the child that they are part of the family--forever.
Office Betting Pool
Once the kids came, I started making "New Year" resolutions in August at the time of our adoption anniversary. Since I wanted to lose weight, it seemed easy to try for ten pounds in a year by making a few small changes in my eating habits. Two years later, I haven't lost any weight. This method is definitely not working!
Several staff members at Trinity are also dieting, and they devised a plan that I've decided to join. Last Tuesday, we each stepped on the scale and established our starting weight. In four weeks, our goal is to lose five pounds. On April 14, we each pay $5 into a piggy bank for every pound our weight is above the goal. The person who pays the most money places the pig on their desk for the month.
My children asked me what the money will eventually buy. We haven't decided yet but one idea is to give it to charity. Another possibility is letting the most successful dieter in the group buy new clothes.
We'll see if I can lose weight with this program. $5 per pound just may do it.
I'm Back
Kola had fever for six days from two health problems--strep throat and HFMD (hand, foot, and mouth disease). He's been back in school since Wednesday and is feeling much better. Mom is feeling better, too (even though she didn't get physically sick).
More of Psalm 27 (this Sunday's Introit)
The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me, yet I will be confident.
One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to inquire in his temple.
For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.
Glory be to the Father and to the Son
and to the Holy Spirit;
as it was in the beginning,
is now, and will be forever. Amen.
The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
Psalm 27:13
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
Sick Kids, Angry Kids, Hungry Kids
Jonathan and I agree that parenthood is not compatible with professional life.
Conflicting Incentives
The older five children are very grateful that Kola is finally here with us, but they are also (naturally) jealous over the diminished attention they receive with one more child in the family. This is a problem with David, especially, since he has been replaced as the youngest child. Whenever he is a "good big brother," I give him a lot of praise.
This morning, Kola worked very hard to get dressed quickly and help clear the breakfast table. That's his ticket to choose the music in the car on the way to school. Both Sarah and David wanted him to win that right, which deserves high praise as "good older siblings." But it also meant that they didn't help Kola clear the table!
Singing
Kola continues to rock and sing as he falls asleep. Since his bedtime precedes those of his brothers, his habits don't bother anyone when it's just the two of us. But rocking and singing are big problems for his brothers when he awakes in the middle of the night.
I'm working on curbing Kola's rocking and singing by telling him that he can rock or sing, but not both. It seems easier to break one habit at a time. He always chooses rocking and has been able to stop the singing pretty easily. As a musician, it makes me feel a little guilty to keep anyone from singing!
Coincidence
When our children use their skateboards or bicycles, they are required to wear helmets or forgo riding privileges for a week. A few days ago, Jonathan drove down a street near our home and passed right by one of the kids riding a bike
sans helmet. Later, the child returned home walking the bike, which had a broken tire. It was convenient for us and the child that, due to our family schedule, the bike couldn’t be repaired for at least a week. No one said a word.
Perspective
One of the fascinating things about adopting older children internationally is that they see American culture through fresh eyes. Yesterday, at Rachel's basketball game, the action often stopped due to held balls (when players of opposing teams have simultaneous control of the ball).
Kola: "Mama, what are they doing?"
Mama: "They're fighting over the ball."
Kola: "They shouldn't be fighting. That's not allowed."
At least he's been listening to us at home!Mama: "OK, they're not really fighting. They just both want the basketball."
Kola: "Why don't they play with TWO balls?"
More on Language
"Give it to him."
"Mama, I pick up music in the little car."
Kola's statements above are in fairly good English. Jonathan and I did, however, have to decipher their meanings. In the first statement, Kola chose the correct form of "he" but actually intended "me." When we address him, we seldom use the word "me" and "I" so he hasn't learned them as quickly.
Last Saturday, Kola and I searched for his music handouts for Ukrainian school. I thought that he left them in our Cavalier (the little car). So this morning when he wanted to "pick up" music, I understood that we would look for his music. When he dressed quickly for school and diligently helped to clear the table, however, I realized that he wanted to "pick out" the music in the car on the way to school. The child who gets ready quickly, helps with the table, and doesn't fight with siblings is given the reward of choosing the radio station or CD in the car. To a new English speaker, "pick up" and "pick out" seem pretty similar. I remember learning prepositions in German and making far worse errors!
Our Difficult Language
Once you get past the challenge of learning the Cyrillic alphabet, the pronunciation of Ukrainian is quite straightforward. Each letter has only one sound, in the same way as Spanish. This quality of Ukrainian means that I can actually read stories to Kola, or check David and Sarah's reading skills, without having the faintest idea of the meaning.
English, however, is not so easy. For example, how would you answer the following question that arose when I read a book about autumn to Kola:
Kola: "Mama, why does the word 'fall' have two "L"s?
