Dilemma
Kola's adoption anniversary has brought memories of Ukraine to him. He told me that he'd like to return, but then he looked sad and said, "Mama, if I go back, you won't be there."
Celebrating
To mark Kola's adoption anniversary, we first found a time when all eight of us could attend. On the actual day, only breakfast was possible; while in the past we have celebrated events early in the morning, Jonathan and I didn't want this for Kola's first anniversary.
The eve of the anniversary proved more possible, so I cooked Kola's favorite food--spaghetti--and we went out for dessert at a fancy ice cream shop. All of the food was very rich, since the only meat I had available for the spaghetti was bacon. Broke my diet, but it sure tasted good!
And what ice cream flavor did all three youngest children choose? Bubble gum, with actual pieces of gum embedded in the ice cream.
Court Now
Back in early December, I recounted our 2005 court experience with the oldest five children. My plan had been to compare it immediately with court in 2008, but I had temporarily misplaced my notes from that visit. Now that the notes are found, and on the one-year anniversary of Kola's adoption, here is what happened on Tuesday, September 23, 2008:
Jonathan and I entered the judge's office (not a courtroom) for our appointment. Accompanying us was our lawyer Tatiana, as well as a young female translator whom we had met only moments before. Masha, our facilitator, could not join us that day because her young son had taken very ill. Also present were an administrator from the orphanage (not the director), a representative from the social services division of the state government, a secretary for the judge, and a citizen's advocate to witness the proceedings.
After a very long discussion between all of us and the judge, our interview ended. The pleasant nature of the judge's demeanor changed as he rose to his feet to make the formal announcement. Everyone in the room immediately stood up, as well. At exactly 5:01 pm, the judge read through the adoption decree. I couldn't understand the words, but about half-way through his recitation, he declared "tak" [yes], and the Ukrainian speakers in the room all smiled. At that moment, Kola became our son.
Play
Before going to Ukraine, we read that children from orphanages don't always know how to play. That means that one of the parents' tasks is to teach this to their children. Jonathan and I found out very quickly that we didn't have to worry about this issue. In August 2005, when our oldest five children (ages 6 to 11) landed in our home, almost nothing remained untouched in those first few days. The children took things apart to see how they worked. They also played with games and toys in their own ways, since they didn't know the American methods and rules.
We quickly locked the basement door so that there was at least one place in the house that we could put things that were off-limits. Unfortunately, the door to the master bedroom did not have a key. I had to collect our mail each day before the kids arrived home, or it disappeared into their rooms. Any games we left out were disassembled and used for creative purposes, then scattered. Dolls lost their legs and heads, knitted and crocheted items were unwound, my desk, dresser drawers, and closets were explored, and almost everything that the children touched was left where it landed. They climbed all the trees, the windows served as escape hatches to the roof, and the furniture cushions became building blocks for countless forts. "Concerts" were enhanced by costumes of all kinds, including my own shoes and clothes.
You may wonder how this happened. Even with four adults in the house (parents and grandparents), five active and curious kids can do a lot. It's impossible to watch them every second, and you can't lock every door. Meals need preparation and clothes require washing; never mind jobs and errands. I'm thankful that our children survived that first month with no major injuries. The angels must have worked overtime!
It's much easier now (four years later) that the children have learned some limits. In fact, they often yell at each other when one of them is breaking the rules. But the kids continue to play with household items in ways that I could never imagine. Yesterday I glanced into the backyard and saw David poised to throw a spear into a cardboard box. What item had he chosen for this game? A dandelion weeder with a 36" handle! And since I had purchased enough weeders for the whole family, he had gathered several more to hurl!
Silly Me
After analyzing why Kola's meltdowns and behavioral problems in school are escalating, it became clear that I had neglected to make his daily calendars. On Friday, he left for school with a clear idea of the day's events (a timeline of images) and returned with a green sticker. That means a stick of gum!
I also benefit by seeing my calendar earlier in the morning and not missing appointments!
Adoption Anniversary
This week on September 23 we celebrate Kola's one-year adoption anniversary. It's hard to believe that so much time has already passed.
I Love My Workplace
My paid job is at a Lutheran church where I serve as the director of music. My office space fills a corner of the music room, which adjoins the sanctuary balcony. On weekdays, almost no one comes to this part of the church plant.
Unless I choose to make a sound, it is gloriously quiet here!
A Good Example
Yesterday after school, Kola had a major tantrum as we walked to the car, hitting and spitting among other things. After he got into the vehicle and I buckled his seatbelt, he started to throw things.
It was obvious Kola couldn't stay in the car, so I pulled him out and told him to sit on the grass. I turned back to find my keys, and a clump of grass landed inside my open purse. Kola was grabbing handfuls of grass and ripping them out of the ground. I took the grass out of his hand and moved him to the sidewalk. It didn't help, since he just reached over to the grass again and continued to pull it. Yet again, I moved him--this time to the intersection of two sidewalks where he couldn't reach the grass.
In addition to these actions, Kola was crying and screaming as loud as possible. He also yelled at me that he was bleeding, since I had accidently scratched his finger a little bit when I pulled the grass from his hand. At this point, the owner of the house came outside and asked Kola if he was ok.
She told me that she hates to hear children cry. Kola needed a tissue for his nose in the worst way, and when she offered to give him one, he nodded. Her attention distracted him, and he finally settled down enough that we could get home. I noticed that other parents were watching the whole incident from a distance.
______________________
Today, as I approached the school twenty-four hours later, the crossing guard stopped me. Unbeknownst to me, he had also watched the entire episode the day before. He said that God had given me the gift of patience. After feeling so bad about yesterday's tantrum, his comment really buoyed my spirits. His gift reminded me to let people know when they do something good. It can make a big difference for them.
The Theologian
As David, Kola, and I left for school this morning, the two boys discovered a dead bird laying under our front porch. Kola said, "Oo, it has bugs on it!"
Seeing a teaching moment, I told the boys that bugs are actually a good thing. They are one of the methods that God uses to return bodies to the soil so that new plants can grow. Kola was not convinced. "Does that mean my body will have bugs on it?"
"Yes, Kola. But at that time, you won't be there anymore. You'll be in heaven with Jesus, and your body will be like an empty bowl. So if the bugs eat your body, it's not really you that they are eating."
David, who had been listening intently, looked at me and said, "Mom, will our body be like an empty suitcase?"
I couldn't have said it better: what a great image for our journey through life!
1st Grade
First grade differs from kindergarten in several ways. Naps have gone by the board, and the first-grade children are now in an upstairs classroom.
Academically, the kindergarten paradigm is to learn one letter of the alphabet per week. We found this to be true both in English school and Ukrainian school. Unfortunately for David and Kola, they learned the English and Cyrillic alphabets at the same time. That means, for example, that letters like "B" and "H" sound like "V" and "N" in Ukrainian. So far, first grade is focused on reading and math. For the first time, Kola is coming home with written homework sheets to do. He is very proud of them, for now he has work to do like the big kids.
The big kids wish they didn't have so much of that work!
Peeling an Onion, Part V
Once Jonathan and I decided to adopt from eastern Europe, the next step was choosing a country. Poland, Russia, and Ukraine all offered the possibility of sibling groups, which we desired.
After some research, we quickly learned that Poland, a predominantly Roman Catholic country, gives strong preference to adoptive parents from that church body. As Lutherans, Jonathan and I decided that Poland would not be a good option for us.
The choice between Russia and Ukraine was much, much more difficult. These two countries presented us with very different pros and cons:
Adoption in Russia is similar to most countries in that social workers choose a match (called a referral) between parents and child based on documents submitted about each party. When the adoptive parents receive the referral in the mail, they choose to accept or reject it based on the information provided about the child. If they accept the referral, the parents travel to Russia to meet the child and decide for sure they want to adopt. After signing the appropriate documents, the parents return home and wait for several months while the paperwork churns through the Russian legal system. When it is ready, the parent(s) travel back to Russia to appear in court, finalize the adoption, and escort their child back to their home country.
In Ukraine, adoptive parents submit paperwork about themselves, and the Ukrainian national adoption bureau decides if the parents are acceptable to adopt a child. If the couple passes this stage, they receive an appointment date and time to appear at the national adoption office in Kyiv, the capital of Ukraine. In their appointment, notebooks of information are presented with a brief one-page description (in Ukrainian) of each child currently available for adoption. The parents are shown notebooks containing information on children who match their request; for us, we looked at documents in the room dedicated to sibling groups. No social workers are present in the entire process, since the Ukrainian authorities believe that the parent should make the choice. For the appointment, parents are permitted to bring a translator. In reality, these translators/facilitators do more than just translate, for they are aware of the legal and medical realities of different regions and even specific orphanages. According to the website of the Ukrainian adoption bureau, an apointment lasts about thirty minutes, at which point the parents must make their choice. (For us, the adoption workers were much more liberal with time, probably because of the complexity of our adoption.) Once a child is chosen (also called the "referral"), the parents travel to the region, meet the child, and decide in about a day if they want to adopt. After paperwork is submitted, one parent stays for several weeks while the paperwork makes its way through the court system. The extended stay allows for bonding with the child and more opportunity for the parent to learn about Ukraine's culture and the child's background.
Contemplating the choice between Russia and Ukraine, we were faced with difficult options. The adoption procedure in Russia would be less stressful, since we could contemplate the referral at home with plenty of time to reach a decision. Ukraine's method (parents themselves choosing the child to meet) was very scary for us, with the thirty-minute deadline feeling like an emotional pressure cooker certain to cause undue stress, as well as conflict between Jonathan and me. The option of later turning down a referral was not a valid backup plan for us; we knew that meeting a child and choosing not to adopt would be a terrible blow for the child, even if there were good reasons to decide against adoption. In addition, the Ukrainian adoption bureau frowns on too many rejected referrals. They are known in some cases to send the parents home without a child. My own adoption counselor did not feel I could handle the stress of the appointment and advised against Ukraine for that reason.
Cost-wise, the required travel (two trips) to Russia was prohibitive. Even with lodging and food costs in Ukraine for the extended stay, it was less expensive there than an extra international plane fare to Russia. And while we went to Ukraine with an agency, the Ukrainian government does not require it and even advises against it, and many adoptive parents save a lot of money by doing an "independent" adoption in Ukraine. Russian adoptions by definition require agency assistance, which is expensive.
The pros and cons of Russia and Ukraine seemed to balance out, at least in the area of procedure. Jonathan and I had already spent several months ferreting out the above information, and we realized that a different paradigm was necessary before we could make our decision.
More Firsts
Today in church, Paul served as an usher for the first time. One of our congregational leaders told me that he did a great job, especially in correctly counting the number of communicants for each table.
Jonathan also had a "first" today. He was able to leave the kids alone in the pew long enough to sing a solo with me from the balcony. That one's been over four years in coming.
First Day of School (Again)
Sarah, David, and Kola dressed up this morning in their colorful Ukrainian dress shirts. Their first day of school at the Ukrainian orthodox church featured an opening worship service, followed by classes in reading, religion, history, and music. The school day lasts from 9:00 until 1:15 every Saturday.
We've heard of Polish and Russian "Saturday" schools in other parts of Chicago. Most of the children are offspring of recent immigrants in whose home the native language is still spoken. Jonathan and I are outliers since we don't really speak the language--our Ukrainian is very "child-specific" and not useful with adults.
At our children's Ukrainian school, most of the flyers and homework assignments are written in Ukrainian with no English translation. This morning, Jonathan attended a parents' meeting for the first grade class in which only Ukrainian was spoken. Afterward, he asked for a translation. Not all of the teachers are comfortable in English, although they are very willing to try.
Once our children start sixth grade, we let them trade Ukrainian school for confirmation classes at our English church. Both Ukrainian school and confirmation training are major time commitments, and it seems like too much to ask the children to do both.
Showing Concern
"Mom, your face is leaking."
Instruments
As a fourth grader last year, Sarah chose to learn alto sax as her band instrument. This year she made the switch to flute. Mama is grateful, since loud flute playing is preferable to the sound of loud sax!
Gross Stuff
Kids just love revolting things!
Besides the omnipresent bathroom humor, things like goo and dirt are all the rage.
Imagine the jokes at Mt. Rushmore when we heard there was a cave with an opening that faced up toward President Washington's nostrils.
According to our children, the jelly beans inspired by the Harry Potter series really do taste like grass, soil, vomit, or ear wax. The smell of them was enough for me.
Beware the toothpaste tubes in our bathroom. If they look fuller today than yesterday, someone probably blew air into them.
On our trip, the request to look for a restaurant brought up the idiom "Keep your eyes peeled" and comments about knives and eyeballs. That leads to further things like actually flipping one's eyelids inside out. Before this, I had no idea that was even possible!
Won't Do That Again
For four years, David has consistently asked to play the violin. Today, he met his teacher, who is wonderful with kids, and she gave him his first lesson. As a violinist myself, it was a joy to see him so excited about his new venture.
Because David's elementary school offers band but not strings, he is taking lessons through the parochial school that his older siblings attend. The only available opening outside the school day is at 7:30 am, so David, Kola, and I left home very early this morning. There wasn't time for me to make lunches, so after dropping David and Kola off at school, I went back to the house about 9:00 to assemble lunches and deliver them.
At 11:00, after stops at five schools to drop off lunches, the rest of my day could finally begin.
Contemplating Loss
Abide with me, fast falls the eventide.
The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.
Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day;
Earth's joys grow dim, its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.
I fear no foe with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight and tears no bitterness.
Where is death's sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still if Thou abide with me!
Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom, and point me to the skies.
Heav'n's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.
- Lutheran Service Book #878, selected verses
Clarification
I received a question about the meaning of yesterday's blog entry. The speaker is either Jonathan or me, telling one of our kids that they shouldn't be disciplining another child.
