An "Ives-"ian Moment
On Wednesday afternoons, I drive to confirmation classes with Ruslan and Bogdan. After class, the kids attend youth group, followed by a joint supper with the high school students. I teach music as part of the confirmation curriculum, and when I'm not teaching, I use the extra time to get some work done. Therefore, the boys and I share the car ride to and from church each week.
We've arranged that each week one person gets to choose the radio station. The boys usually pick pop or rap, and "my music" is WFMT, Chicago's classical station. Ruslan now remembers when it's my turn, and he brings his headset to listen to his own music.
Yesterday, it was my turn to choose, and the radio gave a great rendition of Stavinsky's
Firebird Suite. Sumulateously, I could hear some rap faintly bleeding through from Ruslan's earphones. In the back seat, Bogdan was playing a game on my cellphone, complete with an innocuous electronic melody.
I bet Charles Ives would have been intrigued.
WTO
The government of Ukraine has been negotiating since 1994 for admittance to the World Trade Organization. Last Friday, they finally achieved their goal, which is great news. If you want to read more about it, see the following news stories:
kyivpost.com/nation/28227
kyivpost.com/top/28251
Adoption in Scripture
I read my post from Saturday again and was dismayed to find adoption bias in my own writing:
"My children are adopted, and I was not."
The verb tenses are critical to the meaning. By using present tense for my children, I wrote that adoption is an ongoing part of their life. Using past tense for myself implies that the way I joined my nuclear family (through birth) is a neutral part of my background. So . . . I need to correct that statement:
"My children are adopted, and I am not."
_________________________________________
But to be more correct, I
am adopted--by God. By searching Scripture, I found the following passages to help me better understand this whole issue. (I used an unabridged concordance to the New Revised Standard Version.)
Acts 7:17-22[
Stephen speaks about Moses:]
But as the time drew near for the fulfillment of the promise that God had made to Abraham, our people in Egypt increased and multiplied until another king who had not known Joseph ruled over Egypt. He dealt craftily with our race and forced our ancestors to abandon their infants so that they would die. At this time Moses was born, and he was beautiful before God. For three months he was brought up in his father's house; and when he was abandoned, Pharaoh's daughter adopted him and brought him up as her own son. So Moses was instructed in all the wisdom of the Egyptians and was powerful in his words and deeds.
Galations 4:4-7But when the fullness of time had come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, in order to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as children. And because you are children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying "Abba! Father!" So you are no longer a slave but a child, and if a child then also an heir, through God.
Ephesians 1:3-6Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, just as he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world to be holy and blameless before him in love. He destined us for adoption as his children through Jesus Christ, according to the good pleasure of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace that he freely bestowed on us in the Beloved.
Romans 8:15-17For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received a spirit of adoption. When we cry "Abba! Father!" it is that very Spirit bearing witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ--if, in fact, we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him.
___________________________
Once again, there's a lot here to digest and think about.
Another Perspective
Last night I was reading a book titled
A Primal Wound, written by Nancy Verrier. It's a controversial book, with the main premise that newborns experience severe emotional trauma when they are removed from their birth mothers.
I wrote yesterday that Lena was comforted when I told her we had chosen her, and that she was special. Well, hear what Verrier says (p. 57f) about those very phrases:
"Some say that being chosen means being special; but what does 'special ' mean? Among those [adoptees] I interviewed, only one interpreted this as meaning that her parents chose her and everyone else had to take what they got, which is how many parents believe all adoptees interpret it. This is not the popular interpretation, however. In answering the question Irene said, "Not a . . . thing, because
I had no choice! Betty said that 'chosen' to her meant that her parents had chosen to have a child, but not necessarily her . . . .
"Being told that they are chosen or special seems to be confusing and to put a great deal of pressure on many adoptees to live up to a variety of perceived expectations on the part of their parents . . . . Janice told me that she felt that she had to be the perfect child, so that her parents could be the perfect parents . . . .
"Denise voiced what many feel: 'Being chosen by your adoptive parents doesn't mean anything compared to being unchosen by your birthmother."
________________________
My children are adopted, and I was not. That means that I can never truly understand what they've been through. My responses to Lena, which I wrote about yesterday, seemed to be a comfort to her. But this book has given me some food for thought that she may hear my words in a completely different way than I intended.
I have a lot of thinking to do about this one.
Kids Can Be Mean
Our adoption training from LSS was pretty thorough, and they told us our kids might be teased about being adopted. Sure enough, shortly after Christmas break, Lena met me after school with a very long face. One of her classmates, someone she considers a friend, had told her that she didn't like her anymore because she is adopted. Their teacher, who is very experienced, was concerned and explained the whole situation to me.
Because of our training, I knew what to say:
"Your friend doesn't understand adoption, Lena. It is actually very special to be adopted. Papa and I chose you to be our daughter. We wanted you very much, and we are very happy you are part of our family. Families are formed in different ways, and one of those ways is adoption.
"Sometimes when another child is insecure and doesn't feel good about herself, she might say mean things about others. She is doing that because she thinks it will make her feel better about herself. That doesn't mean her comments are true. You need to remember that you are special, and Papa and I love you very much."
Lena's face relaxed, and she looked like she felt better. I decided not to approach the classmate's parent unless the problem happened again. It hasn't, at least up to now.
What a Day!
Jonathan and I keep a wall calendar on our bedroom wall, so we can glance at it in the morning and remember events we had forgotten about. There's usually one day in the month where the box is completely full, and last Tuesday was one of those days . . .
Scheduled events2:45 Pickup (Lena) and tutoring classes at Garfield school (Luda and Misha)
3:00 Pickup at Grace School (Bogdan)
4:00 Basketball away Game (Ruslan) and pickup at Garfield (Luda and Misha)
4:30 Basketball practice--his first ever--at Grace (Bogdan)
6:00 Pickup at Grace (Bogdan)
6:15 Supper at home
7:00 Guitar lesson in nearby Oak Park (Ruslan)
8:00 Tutoring session half-way to O'Hare airport (Bogdan)
Unscheduled events2:00 Garfield telephones that Misha is sick and needs to go home
2:30 I bring him home and the school lets me pick up Lena, too
6:30 The pediatrician in Oak Park squeezes Misha into her full schedule
6:55 Our other car (at home) fails to start, five minutes before the guitar lesson
7:10 The pediatrician finally finishes with Misha (and therefore our working car is still not home)
Blessings4:00 Someone else from Grace drives Ruslan to and from his basketball game
7:05 Two wonderful neighbors arrange for me to borrow a car
Results7:10 Ruslan gets to his guitar lesson
7:55 Bogdan and I are five minutes early for his tutoring session!
8:30 Misha is in bed, feeling much better, for which I am glad
Answer to the I-600A Question
Masha sent an Email to Jonathan today, asking him to telephone her. They talked this morning for about ten minutes, and she said that the I-600A approval is the one of the only dossier documents that the Ukrainian government will allow to be updated after the dossier is submitted to them. That's great news, since the I-600A application takes many weeks for the U.S. government to process and it costs about $800. (The extension is free.)
So . . . that means we are now in high gear to redo all of the other dossier documents that will be expiring soon.
English is hard
When we lived first in Hong Kong and then in Germany, I witnessed friends from those countries struggling to understand the idiosyncrasies of English. It made me grateful that I was born in the U.S., since English is such a difficult language to learn. Now our children are facing the same challenges, although they are fortunate to be doing so before puberty and the "hardening" of nerves that makes language acquisition so much harder for adults.
It's very interesting to hear our children's questions about English, which often concern issues that have never occurred to me. For example, after watching a news story on TV, they asked me why the announcer said an adult had been kidnapped. Shouldn't there be a different word for adults, since "kid"napped is obviously about children?
A few days ago, Lena was eating her stew and found a large square piece of over-cooked celery. She told us it looked like a giant's nail, but all of us thought she was calling it a giant snail. A lively conversation about escargot ensued, with the expected exclamations from the kids that THEY would never eat snails. Lena, meanwhile, was looking confused, since she hadn't mentioned snails at all. This particular homophone is especially fun because the spelling of "giant's nail" and "giant snail" is identical except for one apostrophe.
Postscript to "Finding Those Papers"
Good news today:
I can use my birth certificate instead of my passport to prove my U.S. citizenship.
Passport extensions are going much faster now than they were last year.
CIS might not allow us to submit a new application since the current approval is still valid. That means we would update the current approval and then later get the extension. This would all be free of charge and not $820.
Bad news today:
We have to Email CIS to make sure that the above is really true. Also, we must carefully think through all the implications this would have for Kola's legal situation.
The update of the homestudy requires doctor appointments for each member of our family--that means
seven appointments.
Finding Those Papers
Jonathan and I keep a blue plastic file box with vital adoption papers and information files. When we traveled to Ukraine, we took the whole box with us without even leafing through it. That way, when we needed an unforeseen document, we'd have all of them with us.
Today I did sort through much of the blue box, looking for documents related to our last I-600A application: our homestudy, two financial worksheets, copies of our marriage license and passports, and all the pertinent addresses and phone numbers for the Chicago CIS office. To my dismay, my passport expires on May 1. My mother had reminded me a month ago to check the expiration date, but in the Christmas rush I lost my note to myself to do so. I also called the treasurer at our church to ask how he wanted to handle the cashier's check (i.e., directly from the adoption fund or as a reimbursement to us).
Jonathan is proofreading the homestudy to update the details (e.g., ages of our children, job titles of our siblings, etc.). This will take him a while: the homestudy is about eight pages long, single-spaced. I'm starting the revision of our financial data, especially what we spend each month on rent, utilities, food, etc. We will send all the changes to Wendy, our LSS social worker in Chicago, who will revise the homestudy. She will then notarize two copies and mail them to us--one for submission to CIS and the other for our reference. It can't hurt to carry a notarized copy to Ukraine in the blue box!
Extend or Start Over?
The most pressing document in Kola's dossier is the I-600A, which takes the federal U.S. government (CIS) about 12 weeks to process. Considering Masha would like our dossier by late February, we're already late!
(Let me explain some alphabet soup: INS=BCIS=CIS. The former Immigration and Naturalization Service became the Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services, which became Citizenship and Immigration Services. The CIS is housed under the Department of Homeland Security.)
The I-600A is an "Application for Advance Processing of Orphan Petition." The CIS determines if we will furnish proper care to an orphan if that child is admitted to the U.S. They also certify that we have met all preadoption requirements in the state of Illinois. (Adoption is administered by the state and not the federal government.) The phrase "advance processing" means that this government work is done
before we travel to Ukraine.
To determine if we will furnish proper care to an orphan, the CIS requires:
Proof of U.S. citizenship--in our case, copies of our current passports
Proof of marriage--a copy of our marriage certificate
Home Study--our agency's description of us and our home, and their verification that we meet Illinois adoption requirements.
The I-600A application costs $670, along with a "biometrics" fee of $80 for each adult living in the household. "Biometrics" means fingerprinting because they will run a background check on us.
With a total fee of $820 involved, we wondered if it was possible to extend our current approval from a year ago rather than start over with a new application (extensions are free). Today, Darlene from LSS in Connecticut told us that we have to do a new application. Our current approval will expire in July, and extensions are only available in the 90 days prior to expiration. Since Masha needs documents by the end of February, and they have to be valid until December, we can't wait to do the extension.
So . . . all of you that have donated money to the Stahlke adoption fund, please know that we will be using $820 of it very soon. The rest is waiting for (hopefully) next summer when we travel again to Ukraine.
The Difference a Year Makes
February 2007Ruslan missed seven days of school due to a persistent fever, and I missed a lot of work time staying home with him. We had quite a standoff when I finally realized he was warming the thermometer with hot water in the bathroom.
Our pastor theorized that Ruslan needed a break from school, which makes sense considering the monumental task it takes for a teenager to catch up in English. Still, I was both angry and embarassed that he fooled me with the thermometer.
January 2008Ruslan has a (real) fever, headache, and fatigue. We have a standoff because I threaten to make him stay home from school the next morning. He insists, however, that he won't miss playing in the next day's basketball game!
Encouragement (continued)
A difficult week is helped by going to the spa . . .
Imagine relaxing in an easy chair [the children's bed and our ottoman pushed together].
Assistant #1 [Luda] is gently rubbing chocolate-scented lotion on your face.
Assistant #2 [Lena] is applying mascara and lip gloss, both accented with glitter, for that special look.
Assistants #1 and #2 ask you to sit up so they can give you that special hair style with six short pigtails. [They were disappointed last month when I cut my long hair, but they were not deterred from tying up my short hair anyway.]
During the hair styling, Assistant #3 [Misha] gives you an excellent back massage. He uses a vibrating lion's head, which is activated by pressing its tongue. His work is punctuated by the lion sounds and animal conversation emitted from the massaging tool.
[Afterward, I was truly relaxed and beautiful, having enjoyed a wonderful gift on Wednesday from my three youngest children. Their work was facilitated by the lotion, hair ties, and "lion" massager they had given me on Tuesday for my birthday.]
Encouragement
For the director of music.A psalm of David.May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
May he send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.
May he remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.
SelahMay he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.
We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the Lord grant all your requests.
- Psalm 20:1-5
The Dossier (Again)
Dossier work has a habit of landing on us right at the time we've hoped for some respite. Let me explain . . .
For Lutheran church musicians, "festival season" starts with Reformation in late October and ends with Epiphany in early January. In between, life is a whirl of rehearsals, programs, and services, punctuated by relentless deadlines for bulletins. Jonathan can't take over at home for me, because he's busy grading tests and papers in the end-of-semester blitz. And never mind that personal holiday preparations must find a place somewhere in the schedule--the children in the house don't let you forget! Luckily for all involved, the kinds of music featured in the major festivals are wonderful and fulfilling, both for the musician and the congregation.
My pastor signed a Christmas card for me with the words "Merry Christmas and Happy January!" It's so true! January is the "breather month" between festival season and Lent/Holy Week/Easter. What a gift--slowing down at work IS possible for several weeks.
A similar time of year is August. Every parent I know breathes a sigh of relief when their kids go back to school. As a child, I remember being slightly hurt that going back to school was such a jubilant time for my parents. Now I totally understand!
In August 2006, Jonathan started his duties at Concordia about a week before the kids went back to school. I was hanging on as best I could, waiting and waiting for that first week of school and six hours a day of quiet. The day before school started, we heard from Masha that Kola would be available for adoption soon, and that our dossier needed to be assembled ASAP. So on the first day of school, we were busy, busy with documents. My feelings were a curious mix of depression over the work and excitement about Kola.
Well, in the meantime Kola's adoption has been delayed for a year (see my post on August 7, 2007 for more details). He should now be available for international adoption in July 2008, which is when Ukraine can start arranging travel times for us. Because most of the documents from Fall 2006 are expiring this spring and summer, Masha told us a week ago that we need to get a new dossier to her by the end of next month. I'm not so depressed about the paperwork this time. It helps that we know the ropes, having done it twice before.
Over breakfast this morning, Jonathan and I were able to prioritize the most pressing paperwork (i.e., the ones that take the most processing time). Our goal this week is to assess whether we need a new I-600A or can extend the old one, and submit the appropriate paperwork to the U.S. government to do so. I'll explain this document in more detail in a future post, once I know whether we're extending it or starting over.
Happy January!
