Stahlke Adoption

Selective Viewing

A wise parent advised me to see only some of our children's misbehavior. That's a good idea, both for my sanity and theirs.

posted by Stahlkes @ 3:43 PM 0 comments

A Texan in Chicago

Many people in Chicago have never visited Texas, and they think it's a pretty wild place. Between Southwestern Bell's takeover of our phone system, former Gov. Ryan's ban on capital punishment, and the dislike of President George Bush by many in an overwhelmingly Democrat electorate, the press here has not been favorable toward my native state.

I love my adopted city, but the drivers in Chicago are NOT why I'm enamored. As the green light turns to red, and I'm praying that it's not a photo intersection, it's always amazing to glimpse in the rear view mirror that there's a car right behind me. When I put on my blinker to change lanes, the cars speed up rather than allowing me to merge. Very few people wave as a thank you when you do let them enter. And at a stop light, horns start honking before you've even had time to shift into first gear.

In my opinion, Texas IS very civilized.

posted by Stahlkes @ 5:50 PM 0 comments

"Really?"

The membership of FRUA (Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption) has been receiving information about the case of Artyem Saviliev. He is the eight-year-old Russian boy whose American mother returned him to Moscow. One of FRUA's messages included a discussion guide about the incident:

There are times when events going on outside your family affect how your children feel about themselves and whether or not they see their world as a safe place. The recent situation in which an American parent sent her young adopted son back to Russia has had an impact on adopted children. Adopted children, from the very young to the older teenager, can have unexpressed emotions when they hear about events like this. Use this discussion guide to talk with your children about what has occurred.

It surprised me, therefore, when Kola brought up a recent news item and it wasn't the Artyem story. Instead, he was quite worried about the volcanic eruption in Iceland. I had told him that Iceland is in Europe, and he therefore thought it was close to Ukraine. He told me he had dreamed about the volcano, and that he had seen a woman falling into the hole at the crater. When I asked him who she was, he gave me the name of his birth mother. I decided to reassure him that people can't actually fall into a volcano. When it's spewing hot material, the hole is full. And when it's done, the ash and lava harden and fill the shaft.

Last summer we visited Mt. Hood in Oregon, and the children played happily in snow near the lodge. When I told Kola that the "mountain in Oregon with snow" was actually a volcano, he stared at me with that "really?" look. After querying me about how long ago Mt. Hood had erupted, he thought carefully for a long time and then made an announcement. He would only visit volcanos covered with snow, since they couldn't erupt if they were cold.

posted by Stahlkes @ 9:29 PM 1 comments

"I Answered That Question Already"

Sarah and Kola ask the same questions over and over again. David has a different m.o.--he just talks all the time. It helps me when dealing with so much verbal stimuli if I remember the emotional reason behind it.

Their purpose is not information, but reassurance. If they have my attention, they're connected to me. If I'm not focused on them, the lack of attachment is threatening. I'm watching to see if the repetitive questions and incessant talking get better as they become more secure.

It's also good to refocus their activity. Yesterday, I told David that his had been the only voice in the car for minutes and minutes after school. Could he ask someone else about school? He took the suggestion and did an excellent job of engaging Kola, who was delighted to recount all the details of his day!

posted by Stahlkes @ 5:09 PM 0 comments

"Mommy, The Dog Ate My Homework!"

This excuse is not as far-fetched as it seems. When the dog in question is an 8-month old dachshund puppy, he'll eat just about anything!

Our new dog Kentucky joined the family about two months ago. He's a joyful presence in our house, and has been good for everyone during some difficult times. Sue, the wife of Jonathan's department head, works at a veterinarian's office that also serves as an animal shelter. The local police dropped off a stray puppy, and his friendliness soon made him a favorite among the staff. Sue suggested we consider taking him, and after some careful consideration, Jonathan and I decided to say yes.

The kids all fell in love with Kentucky immediately, and he often sleeps under the bed covers with them. Jonathan and I love holding him, and for a puppy, he's surprisingly able to sit still for attention. Kentucky and Dakota are tolerating each other pretty well, as long as the puppy remembers his place. Also, Dakota at almost 16 is not too agile, which keeps Kentucky safer. A few days ago, the two dogs actually slept together head-to-head on our living room couch.
______

I'm writing this blog post on the 15-minute visitor station at our local library. My library card expired on March 31, which I just discovered today, so I can't sign up for the regular library computers. And I can't use the library's free Wi-Fi because my laptop is out of juice. Normally, I just plug the laptop into an electric outlet, but guess what?

"The dog ate my power cord!"

posted by Stahlkes @ 4:42 PM 0 comments

Running Off Steam

From the kids' arrival, Jonathan and I have intuitively known that exercise is critical to managing their behavior. During the first few months in fall 2005, we headed out every afternoon to bike, skate, visit a playground, sled, etc. The children were bursting after an entire day of school in a language they couldn't understand. I'll never forget David learning to bike before he knew how to stop. He'd crash into the curb, take a tumble, and come up grinning for more.

Deborah Gray's book confirms our hunch about exercise (p. 131):
"If children are filling with the energy for fight or flight, parents can give the child an outlet for the energy, as well as help her to calm down. Children can do 150 jumping jacks, run in place for five minutes, or run up and down a hill."

I now need to revise my plan, however, after reading this book. Sarah's 100 jumping jacks need to increase to Deborah Gray's recommended 150!

posted by Stahlkes @ 1:24 PM 0 comments

Moms and Dads

Last Thursday, April 8, marked the birthday of Jonathan's father and brother. Yes, Grandma Stahlke held off her son Tim's birth until a few minutes after midnight so that he would share a birthday with his dad. Tim and his wife Lois spent last week with us in Chicago, and we were privileged to help celebrate Tim's 50th birthday. In addition, Paul and Kola got to know their godparents a little better.

During the day on April 8, Kola and I were driving alone to an appointment. I took advantage of the quiet time in the car and suggested to him:

Mary: "Let's call Grandpa for his birthday."
Kola: "Which one? Grandpa Benson or Grandpa Stahlke?"
Mary: "It's Grandpa Stahlke's birthday today. Did you know that Grandpa Stahlke is your papa's dad? And that Tim is your papa's brother?"
Mary: "Really?"
Mom: "And who is my dad?"
Mary: "I don't know."
Mom: "My father is Grandpa Benson."

This conversation led to a lengthy discussion of our family members. I could see that Kola was starting to make connections. After awhile, he had an announcement to make.

Kola: "Who's my mother?"
Mary: "Kola, you know the answer to that."
Kola: "You're my mom, but I have another mom, too."
Mary: "Yes, your Ukrainian mom."
Kola: "And I have a third mom!"
Mary: "Who's that?"
Kola: "My godmother Lois! And I have three dads--Papa, my Ukrainian dad, and my godfather Tim!"

posted by Stahlkes @ 10:09 AM 0 comments

An Aside, Continued Again

Our church youth director, who follows my blog, saw my post on April 13 about frantic over-activity as a defense mechanism for traumatized children. I received the following responses from her via Email, which she gave me permission to quote:

4/14/10, 10:20

Mary:
I just read the last few entries in your blog. I had images of Adam at his first Youth Quake and Rachel at their confirmation retreat in 6th grade. Both of them exhibit the frantic over-activity you described. The behavior seemed to escalate to out of control when we tried to discipline them.

I'm thinking ahead to the retreat in August. Do you think that Sarah may have a similar reaction to this new and very stimulating situation? If so, maybe we can work on both ways to help her prepare and also ideas for the adults to help her cope if she does have an adverse reaction to the new experience.

Judy
____________________

4/14/10, 13:58

Mary:
Yes - certainly [feel free to] quote [me]. I'll keep reading the blog and maybe when I find some time, reading the whole [Deborah Gray] book would be helpful just in life in general.

Whenever we would visit Lutherbrook [Child and Adolescent Center], I was so interested by the methods they used to manage the children. I always thought it would be nice if someone would teach us parents some of these things so that we could be more effective. We just make it up as we go along or try to read a few books, but some hands-on training would have been so helpful. Maybe some of those kids wouldn't even be there if their parents had been shown.

Interesting stuff.

Judy

posted by Stahlkes @ 4:30 PM 0 comments

Nested Comments

This blog feels like my afternoons--one project interrupted, then the next, then the next. It's hard to know how to back out of them all.

But instead of advancing the cause of the blog threads that are hanging, I'll write about an event from today. Adam is graduating from eighth grade soon, and the school has asked for a baby photo to use in the yearbook. They also want a variety of photos for a slide show at the graduation reception.

I've been procrastinating on this project, possibly because our photos and their accompanying computer storage are disorganized. But another reason is the feeling of loss that this search produces. We don't have ANY photos of the children's lives before we met them. This makes me sad.

Of course, one can put a positive spin on this. We've mentioned the problem to the school, and now they advertise for photos from when you first met your child. So, some adoption education has taken place. Secondly, no baby pictures also means that we escaped labor pain, dirty diapers, severe sleep deprivation, and the other difficult things that go along with babies. Thirdly, the orphanage photo I found for Adam, which shows his exuberance at the prospect of a new life, reveals a side of parenthood that only some parents are privileged to experience.

Still, I felt like crying after dropping off the photo.

posted by Stahlkes @ 1:25 PM 0 comments

Desensitization

More on that kindergarten picnic (Gray, Attaching in Adoption, p. 131):

After the first two months of school, James' and Timmy's dad bought a beard, flannel shirt, and put a pillow under his shirt. The children had to approach him ten times, until they felt better. This was done with a lot of giggling.

Then, they made "the bad guy." They stuffed the shirt and some jeans with some newspapers, and made a head out of a stuffed paper sack--complete with a beard. Masking tape held him together. The kids jumped on him, kicked him, remade him, controlled him, mimicked remembered insults, and eventually ignored him.

By the next school event attended by parents, the boys were sure that they would not be confused by their classmate's father. "It is your choice," their father said. "We can either make the stuffed man again, or use the time to kick the soccer ball."

posted by Stahlkes @ 12:12 PM 0 comments

An Aside, Continued

More from Deborah Gray, in Attaching in Adoption (pp. 128-31):

When children have been traumatized, they are afraid almost all the time. This is an important concept to grasp. Fear is the reason that parents need to go back to the basics when dealing with their traumatized children. Forming attachment and strengthening attachment come first in working with frightened children. Children learn through attachment work that parents are connected, that they will protect, and that they will comfort.

The nightmare most common and the worry most prevalent in traumatized children is that they will be taken from their parents. This theme is recurrent. Parents must demonstrate [specific] ways that this can be prevented . . . .

In child welfare cases, the [child's] removal from the home was usually frightening. Many children are waiting for the same events to occur again . . . . Some parents are reluctant to make strong, predictive statements of safety. If children ask if the house is safe at night, their parents respond with, "Probably, but you never know in this day and age." This is not helpful. Instead, say, "Yes!" If parents are perceived as weak, then children have to remain hyper-vigilant.

When kids whose brains have been wired for survival and danger enter safe [adoptive] homes, they continue looking for the dangerous elements. Their triggers, or reminders of danger, are essential for parents to know. Parents who do some detective work note that, like the children [at the kindergarten family picnic], their children may be afraid of men in flannel shirts, or who have beards, or who wear glasses. If parents know the reminders, they can desensitize thier children, help them form a strategy of avoidance, promise to stay between the frightening person and their child, or take other reasonable approaches.
___

For the Stahlke kids, some triggers have been obvious. During our first week together in Chicago, I tried to restrain one of the children physically (when they were still small enough that such an action was even possible). After one such interaction, I decided never to try that again. Another child is extremely frightened of thunderstorms. Physical discipline of almost any type can melt down the entire family.

At other times, Jonathan and I scratch our heads to figure out the triggers. It is often obvious from a child's behavior that something has reminded them of difficult events in their past, but the current situation that sparked the trigger is not always clear to us. To a one, the children can't remember or don't want to discuss the events in Ukraine that cause them emotional pain now.

I learned from the excerpt above about triggers in our younger children. When their behavior took a nosedive in the weeks before Easter, it was clear to us that the main source of the problem was rebellion by an older sibling. "If parents are perceived as weak, then children have to remain hyper-vigilant . . . ." The younger children thought that their older sibling was out of control, and that we could no longer protect them. That caused some major regression in their behavior that is only now starting to level out several weeks later.

posted by Stahlkes @ 7:03 PM 0 comments

An Aside

My last post mentioned "adrenaline junkies" as a description of our children. To elaborate on this idea, here's an excerpt from Deborah Gray's Attaching in Adoption (pp. 130-31):

Some children use frantic over-activity as a way to express their terror, or to try to block out information. Often siblings have used frantic over-activity as a way to endure overwhelming events like domestic violence, physical abuse, and physical fights in drug houses.

James was grinning and poking at his brother. Timmy, ten months older, resisted briefly--he really did want to please Dad at this picnic. He took a sidelong look at James' tight body. Timmy's body became a mirror of James' . . . and they were off. Their pulses were high; their bodies revved up. They had evolved their own way of dealing with too much danger and tension. They became so wound up in their play that they could block out the people around them. Even though this "Welcome to Kindergarten" family potluck contained no dangerous people, the boys stayed wired for danger. James felt scared and out-of-control. He could not control or scan this many people. Besides, that one guy had a full beard and a ponytail like . . . James could not stand the sudden memory that began to emerge. With a heart rate of 150 beats per minute and a plastered smile, he poked Timmy into their old "block out domestic violence" routine. The kindergarten teacher made a note to talk to the parents about screening for attention deficit disorder with hyperactivity. After an early exit, the parents went home to make a plan for the upcoming year that did not continue the pattern of frantic over-activity as a means of coping.

posted by Stahlkes @ 1:18 PM 0 comments

Step 4

Madeline Hunter continues:

"It helps students to . . . see examples of an acceptable finished product [model], or a process.

Models presented in multiple modalities [visual, verbal, etc.] are very helpful if they are simple. Get rid of any unnecessary or distracting information.

Choose your models carefully. If the child finds it too stimulating, they will revert to coping mechanisms, self-stimulation, and inappropriate behaviors.

PI children often have organic brain impairments, and visual and auditory processing problems, and are easily overstimulated and frustrated when they are flooded with sensory information."
________________

A few of the above terms and concepts conjure images in my head:

self-stimulation
rocking, thumb-sucking, head-banging, nail-biting

inappropriate behaviors
no description needed

unnecessary, distracting information
turn off the TV during homework time

Pastor's description of our kids
"adrenaline junkies"

posted by Stahlkes @ 1:12 PM 0 comments

Step 3

More from Madeline-Hunter's framework for educating post-institutionalized (PI) children:

First, a parent or teacher selects a concept (called a "power standard") to teach, followed by accommodations to instruct the student. For example, the number of examples might be reduced compared to other students so as not to overwhelm the PI child. The pace should be at a "just manageable level of difficulty," which means the student is challenged but still confident of success.

"Children with issues related to institutionalization often have increasing academic difficulty at about the 4th grade level, because of their difficulties reading and comprehending, understanding abstract concepts, and processing complex, content-related language . . . . Many of these students have serious memory impairment." [italics are mine]

It's easy for a PI child to become frustrated, and it's important to have visual and verbal examples of the concept ready to pull out if needed. Review is always helpful.
__________

I'll add one of my own suggestions to the above ideas. My son David is easily frustrated with new concepts, especially those from Ukrainian school. If I praise his ability instead of criticizing his impatience, he often gains enough confidence to forge ahead. In addition, if I allow him to stand and move his body while he works, he often concentrates better.

posted by Stahlkes @ 12:24 PM 0 comments

That Darned English!

I'm often reminded of the difficulty and unpredictability of our English language. During Holy Week, when my choir was singing for Good Friday, Kola drew a picture of Jesus on the cross. He asked me to post it on the bulletin board in the music room, since he had addressed it:

to: The Qiyre

posted by Stahlkes @ 12:53 PM 0 comments

Easter Alleluias

This Sunday, the very young children of our church will sing in the worship service. Now that it's Easter season, I chose two pieces with lots of "Alleluias" in them. It's a welcome change from the season of Lent, when we stop singing this word for a time.

Besides these two songs, Kola is also singing EASTER HYMN with the family as our devotional hymn after supper:

Jesus Christ is ris’n today, Alleluia!
Our triumphant holy day, Alleluia!
Who did once upon the cross, Alleluia!
Suffer to redeem our loss. Alleluia!

In many pieces, the musical setting of the word "alleluia" is very melismatic (several notes per syllable of text). I've learned that congregations really enjoy melismatic hymns if they are familiar. A good example is "Angels We Have Heard on High" with its ornate (Latin!) refrain "Gloria in excelsis Deo."

As Kola and I drove across Chicago today for his psychological testing, he asked to sing the children's songs for Sunday's service. Then he requested our family's devotional hymn. After singing the three songs about ten times each, he told me:

"Mom, I like singing the squiggly stuff!"

posted by Stahlkes @ 11:25 AM 0 comments